I’ve reached a point where I question…everything.
Every limiting thought.
Every time I hold back.
Every time I feel uncomfortable.
None of the above is at all overwhelming. Quite the opposite, the questioning is very liberating. It’s like seeing things with shiny new eyes (even though mine in reality actually need more help than ever).
Here is an example and believe me, in the grand picture, it’s nothing.
But…these “nothings” that we have, these break through moments allow us to stand taller, understand ourselves without the veils of illusions (maya) obscuring what has been there all along. Truth. Ourselves.
A very close friend once suggested the following,
“ You should change your Instagram name to DeborahGreenYogaQueen, it sounds great & is so catchy”.
My head said, “Firstly, who am I to assume that I’m good enough to even think about giving myself such a title (I know – like it’s an actual title that exists) no, I’m not good enough + what would people think + I’d encourage all of those weirdos on social media that love to argue + what would people think + I’m not that kind of teacher + it would give off a false impression of me that I think I’m better + would people believe that actually thought I was the Queen of yoga + I have worked hard on not being a showy instagramy knob-head + also…what would people think, will they think I have a massive ego??
So… roll on a few years & I’m working with a friend as a case study for her coaching program & I had to look at archetypes and answer lots of questions etc etc.
(*there are some amazing articles of archetypes out there so I shall list them at the end as I cannot begin explain them as well as people who specialize in this arena or delve into the different types & details but if you are unsure & less familiar then please enjoy a rabbit-hole of exploring archetypes as it is fascinating)
In our coaching session, my friend begins to explain my results & we discuss my highest scores but also my least expressed score within the archetypes.
Yup – my least expressed archetype is the QUEEN.
As we delved deeper & explored why I tend to actively avoid that role, I knew it had kinda been driven by the shitty statements I’d carried with me since I was an early teen & from an ex-boyfriend who genuinely delighted in telling me that I couldn’t teach yoga as I couldn’t sit in the lotus position.
Do you know what? I still can’t sit in the lotus position but I’ve been teaching for 18 years this year.
You may recognise some of these statements from your formative years sadly.
She thinks she’s IT
(Let me clarify, not IT like the creepy clown but IT as in , very special…maybe like a queen???)
She’s such a show off
She loves herself
She such a bighead
Growing up, I heard that directed at me (a lot) but also at any girl that dared walk taller & show signs of inner/outer confidence. Yes I’m guilty of thinking this about others too.
So, to be accepted, you have to mould yourself in a very particular way. Hide who you are, play small. And I did.
Then I went to college to study dance & choreography & found a whole bunch of amazing souls around me that wanted to express themselves fully, that wanted to pretend that they were like the “Kids from Fame”, that danced around the cafeteria (we actually did), that acted, sang & danced with complete & utter freedom. I thought this was normal behaviour. To have fun. It felt normal, I felt like I'd found my people.
Then… I hit my early 20’s and thought I should do something a little more serious & I convinced myself that a degree in Psychology was the way.
Part of me died it was so dull, but the people? My people? Where were they?
Suddenly I was with very serious people who sucked the soul right of me. I hated it. I got my degree but I hated it & felt so penned in & small.
Then in my mid to late 40’s something bloody magical happened to me.
Perimenopause, life, reading, silence, meditation, wisdom.
Perimenopause gets such a bad rap but it is also very liberating.
Your tolerance for bullshit drops.
Your energy becomes SO precious that I believe you start to shed a lot of stuff that never belonged to you in the first place because you simply cannot continue holding on to all of the crap. It's too exhausting.
( I need to add in here that after my shitty, controlling ex , I met my husband & we have a daughter & he is absolutely amazing, supportive & importantly we let each other “be” – keeping that very short & sweet)
So back to it….
How long do we carry the stories we’ve told ourselves, or been told or unfortunately believed? Sometimes we never drop them but… if you can at least start to question, the truth starts trying to peek out.
The truth is so powerful and always wants to be free.
The stories & crap we believe about ourselves has a different energy, it feels heavy, like holding heavy bags of rocks.
Put them down. See how it feels? I love the feeling. Everything feels lighter.
Although this is a blog on something quite small, just by questioning my limiting thoughts, led to big answers.
Questioning all of that lead me to a truth in relation to why I played small & why I couldn’t playfully call myself that daft name on insta.
Just by questioning.
So...with a smile I changed my Instagram name to;
Below are some links to archetypes articles - enjoy.